i havent wrote on here for awhile. probs because i was happy. now im back at school and i feel it again. the same feeling i felt last year. the same feeling i felt when i opened my yearbook and it was empty. im sure you have no idea how it feels. and trust me, be happy about that. 

you have no idea what its like to sit on a bench and watch everyone plan what they are going to wear to the dance

you have no idea what it feels like to know you never crossed anyone’s mind. 

you have no idea how it feels to be standing inbetween two people discussing what they are going to do at a friends house that u werent invited to and how they get ready before the dance there. 

you don’t know what it’s like to be sitting here alone in my room wishing i was apart of things. 

you have no idea what its like to tell your boyfriend you don’t want to go to the dance because all the girls didn’t include you when they decided what they were to the dance as. 

you have no idea what it is like to lie to your mom about why you aren’t going to someone’s house before the dance. 

i do. and its kinda sad. 

oh how i wish that was the truth. i dont get how i can lie to myself and act as if we had never had anything together. every day i live on without you because i figure thats what you want. and its reassuring how it is. and for those of you who can appreciate sarcasm, there you go. i finally thought i was forgetting about you. every thing we had ever done together or shared. but right when i was beginning to move on, i started having these dreams. ive been having these dreams almost every night where you make me miserable. the other morning i woke up crying from it. and not only do i have these dreams where you crush me without even being here, i think i am developing chronic insomnia. why? because i have so much on my mind already, and i dont need to think about us. i havent had over 5 hours of sleep for probably the past 2 weeks. but what makes me the most angry of all, is that you can do all of this to me, by doing nothing. 

nothing is how i feel. nothing is what i do. nothing is what i say. its how i stay strong. to not feel anything. just to be numb. so numb that i have no feeling for anyone or anything. if they leave me, i wont get sad. i prepare myself for the worst, because it always seems to happen to me. this is what it has come to for me to not get hurt. you may think im “depressed”. im not. im just numb. so numb nothing has an affect on me anymore. i feel like its better to feel nothing at all rather than let all this shit get to me. eventually i will crack though. i cant keep all this shit inside. but i do anyways cuz when i talk about it i break down. so i do this for myself and others, to not let them see me broken. 

last year was probally the best year of my life, but it also had the worst moments i have ever expirienced in my existance. even though it was hard at times, i could still count on all of my friends to help me through another day. at the end of last year, i got a yearbook. if i got it out of a box today, everysingle page would be filled with signatures from friends and teachers and even some people i didnt even know. from cover to cover i had something to be proud of. 

this year however, i got a year book. it doesnt have one mark in it. not a single H.A.G.S., or a silly drawing, no page long messages from my closest friends. 

its weird to think about it. i dont actually have any friends. i pretend i do sometimes, but deep down i know i dont. at all the brunches and lunches i watched other people sign eachothers yearbook and write nice things about eachother, it was nice to see everyone get along with everyone else. but to know that not one person asked me to write in their yearbook just sucks. actually, i wrote in one persons year book. but i had to ask if i could. they didnt ask me. 

this year i have nothing to be proud of. an empty book, making me remember the shittiest year ive ever had. i hate yearbooks. 

everything i have ever had ive fucked up. my friendships, my relationships, my family. i cant think of one thing i havent fucked up yet. why was i put on this earth to serve absolutely no purpose except to fuck things over? because according to everyone else thats what i am. a fuck up. i make everyone else’s life harder just by existing. try keeping that on your shoulders day in and day out. the weight of knowing your existance is just making everyone else’s life harder and theres no reason to still be here and live on everyday. but heres another thing i have to carry with me everyday. why am i still here?